Development and School-Agers

Elementary school children are very involved in family life, but they also have more activities outside the home than younger children. They have friends at school, sports, after school and church activities. They need support and approval from parents, even when they do not show it, but want the approval and attention of others as well.

Children of this age are starting to have a realistic view of themselves and the world. Between five and seven their thinking becomes more logical. They understand that bad things can and do happen. This can affect how they view deployment.

Liking themselves and seeing themselves as capable human beings is critical to school and life success. Parents need to work hard to help their children build this positive self-image. One way a parent can do this is to accept a child for who they are. No child is a saint or a sinner, but a real human being in need of love and appreciation. Warm, positive caring is best for your child. Appreciate effort; be lavish with praise and with your love. Hug your child. If you were not hugged as a child, learn from your parents’ mistakes. Do not discipline out of anger; if you are angry wait until you are not angry to deal with the misbehavior.

Before You Leave

Talk with your child. Explain the deployment, where you will be going, and what you will be doing. Use simple language. Ask them questions so you understand their thinking.

Your child may have negative feelings about deployment. Remind your child it is okay to have feelings, but it is not okay to act out negative feelings.

Together, make a plan about how you will communicate - e-mail, letters, phone calls, tapes? Give your child ideas about things that you would like to hear about - school, friends, church, sports, pets. Ask them what they would like to hear from you. Remember, staying in touch is more important than what you actually say to each other.

Discipline may be a problem if the deployed parent is the disciplinarian in the family. Interactions with your child should not deal only with negative things while you are gone and when you return. This can impact your relationship with your child, or make your child fearful of your coming home. Before you leave gently but firmly turn discipline over to the home parent. You can share the discipline when you return. Then, during deployment, you and your child can focus on the positive parts of your relationship.

Make sure your child stays involved with family activities. Make a list of household chores that need to be done. Let your children choose some of the ones they will do each day or week.

While the Military Parent is Gone

Plan rituals with your child that include the deployed parent, such as talking about the deployed parent at dinner or bedtime. Make this fun, talk about their silly jokes or shared fun activities.

Staying in touch is important for your elementary school child. They need your support to communicate long distance. Give your child ideas to write about, such as a sleep over with a friend, or a school activity. You can offer to write down what they want to say, since talking is easier than writing. Your child could write and tape a family news broadcast to send. Be sure to make a copy in case it gets lost in the mail. Your child can keep a deployment notebook for sharing during reunion, or they could send their thoughts on a postcard or help write a family letter. Your child could write their thoughts on slips of paper and put them in a big clear jar. Each family member could use different colored paper to add to the jar.

Share departure information with your child’s teachers, coaches, and adult friends. Your child needs extra support during this time. They may need a friendly ear to talk to and might be afraid of worrying you with their concerns.

Reunion

Elementary school age children may test some limits as they adjust to the changes the return home brings. Your child may have idolized you while you were absent or idealized your relationship. You, the real parent, will not be the same as the fantasy parent they may have created, the one who was always perfect, never angry, and always available to them.

Be quick to praise and slow to anger while your child adjusts to your return. Your child needs time to sort out their feelings. Be sure your child has unstructured play time inside and outdoors. Playing outside in nature can help things return to normal.

Consider celebrating missed milestones like birthdays or recitals over the first weeks of your return. The family could have ballet night when your child dresses in costume and dances the recital dance, a soccer night for watching a video of your child’s game, or an 'un-birthday' birthday celebration.

A child who is misbehaving might be signaling that things are returning to normal or that something needs attention. Behavior gives messages that can be interpreted. You may want help from a teacher or school counselor to understand your child’s behavior.

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