n the Path of Love group in Pune I saw something about my way of separating. I’ve separated myself in order to survive in the world and the awareness of how I do that caused a lot of pain in me. The group process showed me how important it is to share. I know now in my soul, in my being, that I don’t want to be separate. Now I want to go into a space inside of vulnerability and exposure. My quality of aloneness is so beautiful when I’m connected. And when I separate myself it hurts so much to be alone.When I went to Pune I was afraid of being seduced by the Path of Love. And then when I got there it really did seduce me. It happened exactly the way I’d been afraid of.
I immediately felt that overall something in the commune had happened. People were listening and sharing the reality of themselves in a very different way. I felt welcomed with a new kind of openness.
And of course so many of my friends had done it. Some of them were really pushing me and saying that everyone in the commune should do this group. And other friends stood back more and said it’s up to you; it’s the greatest process ever; but whether you do it or not won’t make any difference.
I guess the biggest thing that changed it for me was seeing Turiya. I’d known her for years and I’d remembered her as always being very serious with this scowl on her face, looking down at the ground all the time. And now she was smiling, she was saying hello to people; there was such an incredible aura of light around her.
With Rafia too, I just felt a quality around him that blew me away. There was more availability, more acceptance; it was easier to just flow in a conversation with him. I was so touched to know that he and Turiya had returned and brought this back to Pune after having been away from the commune.
Getting ready for it was really a part of the group; that period of preparation was very important. When I went to line up for the interview I kept thinking: I can always get out of this. And then of course the two interviewers were people I’ve known for a long time.
They asked me: do you really want to do this? And I said: I don’t know. I’m certainly coming up against things in myself that I’ve got to do something about. I don’t know what this process is but I’m willing to go into it.
I didn’t put out that it was the most important thing that I really needed to do. And everyone had told me that you had to come from that space. So when they said they’d let me know and I walked out of there I thought I wasn’t on the list. People kept coming up to me and saying, you’re going to be on it, it doesn’t matter what you say or do. And I didn’t believe them. It was really interesting to watch how my mind was jumping around and hesitating and freaking out and fearful. But somewhere inside I knew that I was in.
After the interview I started keeping a journal. I was looking inside and seeing what I wanted to work on, what was going on with me. I got very much in touch with this longing place, this place where you’ve tried everything and nothing works and where do I go now? And that’s exactly where I needed to get to – this desperate space. My heart wanted something more.
I can’t really talk about what happened in the group itself because the process is confidential. But I can say that I was put in a position where my intensity of longing was the only thing that kept me going. This longing felt like the most precious, beautiful thing in me – this longing of life to find out who I am.
I had to tap into it all the time. It was non-stop. I had to jump over my fear; I had to dive into this longing, I had to trust no matter what, I had to just go for it with all my energy. And what it gave me in the end was this incredible happening on a level that I’ve never experienced before.
I had very strong insights into my need to stop separating. I tasted a space of vulnerability that was just amazing. I found myself exposing things that I couldn’t have dared to share without the incredible support that was offered. There were so many beautiful people in the group, old sannyasins and people who had just taken sannyas, and there was just a beautiful passionate truth seeking quality in all of us. We all had our own way of doing it or being in it, and to have that space to all go for it with such intensity – it was amazing to see.
At the end of the process there’s an exercise where there’s this incredible support and acceptance that’s focused right on you. It was all about loving and accepting and not projecting and not judging. I saw how incredibly individual I was and how incredibly loved I was and how much I love myself. And I saw too how hurtful and almost violent judgement and projection can be when you allow yourself to be so vulnerable.
And yet it’s very bizarre but I’ve got this feeling now that I welcome being hurt because it’s such a way to understand and to look at myself. I welcome my tears. I know that through the pain I’m going to transform.
I have to go into it. I have to go into the highs too. I always had this idea that if I get too excited I’m going to crash or if I go too low I’m never going to get out. I was afraid of the extremes. And now I see that it’s wider, it’s bigger than I thought. I can go to these places now. There’s so much in me on the feeling level – I need to put it out and show it to people.
I feel that this process had nothing to do with anything on the outside – it had nothing to do with God or existence or Osho or whatever. I needed to clean the slate and bring it back inside. It was about me.
And at the same time I was able to express and throw out all my stuff around Osho and the commune. The group space is completely confidential. It’s the only place in the whole ashram where you can really voice your shit and your bullshit and whatever is pissing you off about the structure of the commune. It’s not going to go anywhere – that’s guaranteed. A lot of people voice a lot of stuff and throw it out there and work it out – so they can heal their experiences with the hierarchy, with the power trips, with Osho. It’s a way to clean the slate again – and of course when you let go of it, it all falls into your heart.
For me it healed so much – and coming to this place of healing I feel so blessed. My connection with Osho became even stronger through it all. It had nothing to do with feeling that he’s going to save me. It was completely the opposite – I know it’s up to me.
I got this very strong feeling inside that there’s no escape. I’m on this path; my whole life is dedicated to this. The bond is so deep – I’m with him no matter what. It’s in my body; it’s in my bones. It’s an incredible union inside.
