hat I feel for Osho now is gratefulness. Through him I have friends who are real. Through him my life from age 15 on has been amazing. And it’s on the edge, completely. That’s what as a master he taught me: to totally live on the edge.

In my heart there is a connection. But I don’t think I ever saw him as someone who could save me. I really got the message: don’t hang on to me; don’t search outside; look for yourself. I know I’m here for me. He’s not going to do it for me. He created this Buddhafield and it’s fantastic and I’ve lived through hell and heaven. If he hadn’t been here I never would have had the chance to live through so many things already by age 25.

It all started when I was 13. Already I knew very young that I didn’t want to grow up, marry, have a house and 3 kids and a dog and a goldfish. That was really clear. When my father died in Switzerland my cousin who was a sannyasin sometimes took care of me. She gave me Osho books to read and it was like: Yes! Absolutely! That’s it!

When I read about Ko Hsuan, the sannyasin school in England, I knew: OK, that’s where I’m going. I fought my whole family for months; when I took sannyas I knew I was making a conscious choice to live differently. I was 15 by the time they let me go.

For me Ko Hsuan was fantastic. There were about 15 adults and maybe 80 kids between the ages of 6 and 18. It was our home and we took care of it: cooking, cleaning, everything. It was more like a kid’s commune than a school. At Ko Hsuan your teachers were your friends. Absolutely. You were supported to be an individual – to be you. You weren’t treated as a kid; you were treated as a person. You learned how to live together with people and how to share your space and you got confronted a lot because kids are straightforward – there’s no bullshit.

One fantastic concept there was kids teaching kids. I know this sounds crazy, but an Italian girl named Usha basically taught me English in two weeks. She was assigned to teach me and she took me around the house: this is a table, this is a chair. Not sitting in class but right there. Because I wasn’t under pressure learning was fun. And kids want to learn; every kid wants to learn.

In 1988 I went to Pune with some of the teenagers from Ko Hsuan. It wasn’t easy for me to get my mother to agree but I have a very strong will power; I’m very strong. And in fact Osho left his body two years later. That’s why I needed to go then. It was clear; it was my time to go; it was like a burning inside.

Some of us teenagers lived together; we had our own flat and we did our own things. And at that time quite honestly I wasn’t that much into meditating. Having fun was more important. So from that point of view it was great because there was a lot of freedom. Of course there was a negative side: we were really crazy teenagers doing a lot of crazy things.

And yet there was such a magic in the air. There was so much going on. How do you explain Pune? How can you explain a day there? It’s so full and yet again it’s not; it’s nothing.

I didn’t go to darshan every day. But sometimes we used to wait outside the commune gates at night for darshan to be over. There would be maybe ten of us standing outside, waiting for friends and we could hear Osho still speaking. We were doing our own thing but we were still a part of it. It’s hard to describe in words but it was really magic to be out there. It was really fantastic.

I do feel there is a certain force in us – Osho’s sannyas kids. One of my friends said once that he must have put all the kids together for a reason. There was Ko Hsuan, the ranch, Medina, Pune 1 and 2. If you were a kid or a teenager in one of these places there’s something that connects you to all the others. It’s strong and beautiful: there’s something very pure in how we meet each other. There’s a source inside that’s very real.

Through Osho we are the people we are. Through him we all came together. If you’ve grown up in the sannyas world you’ve seen quite a lot and learned quite a lot. There’s a lot of wisdom in many of us. And also there’s a lot of courage in each one of us – as there is in every sannyasin. We know how to go for it, whatever it may be. We all have fear but we don’t get stopped by fear. We know how to support each other to jump for it.

We’ve learned how to relate to each other in a Buddhafield. And you can feel the energy more easily in your centre when you’re younger because there’s not so much stuff around you. I think maybe that’s how I learned to not get so identified with all my movies.

And I’ve learned to not take things so seriously. I feel that many of us don’t take it seriously – the stuff. You have to laugh about it at some point. I mean, really, life is not serious; it’s not. It’s a joke, and it’s fun. To me, life really is fun.

I don’t feel that there is so much pain or sadness inside of me. There is some for sure – but it doesn’t feel that there is so much. I’m not saying that my friends and I don’t feel it, but it doesn’t feel so big. We’re not that identified with it.

It’s like this: OK, I’m crying in the moment, and I’m hurting in the moment and maybe somebody’s there with me and we go through it. But then maybe I get the point and then that’s it. I can go on. I don’t get identified with the same thing again and again. It gets boring sometimes. It really does. And being able to see that is a gift from Osho.

It really gets to me how some older sannyasins hold on to their stuff. They often seem to work through something – and then go through it again and again. It’s almost as if they don’t want to let go of it; unconsciously they seem to want to have more and more problems.

Sannyas kids go through stuff too, but when it’s over it’s over and we can move on. Recently I went through my father’s death for the first time. I’d never really let myself feel that pain and it was horrible. So OK I went through it and it hurt, but I didn’t get identified with the whole movie. In the moment I could go through it and then it was gone. If it wants to come again it will – but I don’t have to hang on to it.

My friends and I support each other to be real. If I’m on my trip they won’t buy into it. Or I won’t buy into somebody else’s trip because I see through them. Now if you’re open to listen to me and I can give you honest feedback – great. If not, see you later. I don’t take it personally because I can see what’s going on. And when we’re both ready to share we can come together again. That’s the kind of relating I’m talking about.

If somebody says something to me and I feel it in my belly, then it’s got something to do with me. If I don’t feel it I know it’s a projection and it just passes by. But if it gets to me, then well OK I have to look at something. Now I can really do that – and most of my friends can too. I can look at my trips; I’m able to see them. And that’s what we’re here for. That’s our journey.

When I was a teenager in Poona I felt there was nothing really for us. Somehow I always got the feeling that I was not supposed to be there – it wasn’t my place. That was hard. I mean Osho said many different things about kids – and I always felt that basically he supported us.

I know sometimes with us, it was a lot. It was strong. Especially the Ko Hsuan kids – we had a certain something which was scary because it’s real. Kids are very straightforward and very alive.

Some of my friends are having kids now and I’d love to create somehow an Osho commune where kids would be welcome and we could all live and grow and create together. I see a school with teachers from all over the world, teaching dance, art, herbs, math, martial arts, English – everything.

I feel that the kids being born now are special. They have a certain quality to them. I just want to give them support. A lot has happened to this planet and it’s time to heal.

The kids that are coming now need a certain kind of education, with a different consciousness, with a wider consciousness – where everything is included, absolutely everything. I’d like to help to create a conscious place, where there’s a lot of consciousness, awareness and love.