Great Quotes:

• From Chris Siano (The RamHack) on buying a new Dodge Truck:
  
  "Look at the truck, drive the truck, look at the truck again.
  If you can't get the stupid grin off your face, buy it."

• From Mike Milne (Learning Tree):
  
  "In Canada, we have 6 months of winter,
  followed by 6 months of really bad snowmobiling"

• From Simon Lowenfeld (Westinghouse STC):
  
  "The academic view of Artificial Intelligence is that if it works, it's NOT AI!"

• From Jon Swift (on Brian's new Buzzcut hairstyle):
  
  "Jeez, you cut it down to the wood!"

• From DrPhil,
  
  "Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

• From Dilbert,
  
  "If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done."

• From Bill Murray (Ghostbusters):
  
  "I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of people waiting to abuse me."

• Old Joke:
  
  "For Sale, One parachute, never opened, slight stain."

• Stephen Wright:
  
  "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot."

• In memory of Mark Fyke:
  
  Amendment II
  
  A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.

• Norm, from Cheers,
  
  "Norm, can I draw you a Beer? ... I know what they look like Coach, just pour me one"

• Marion Barry, Mayor of Washington DC.
  
  "If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate."

• Stephen Wright.
  
  "I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

• Anon

  "Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them ... you are a mile away AND you have their shoes."

• John Cash

  "I want to move to Theory. Everything works in Theory"

• Mark Twain

  "When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years."

• Exchange between Lady Astor and Winston Churchill:

  Lady Nancy Astor, Viscountess: "If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison."
  Winston Churchill: "If I WERE your husband, madam, I should drink it."

• Groucho Marx:

  "Time flies like an arrow ... Fruit flies like a banana"

• Another exchange between Lady Astor and Winston Churchill:

  Lady Astor: "Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!"
  Winston Churchill: "Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober."

• Exchange between Winston Churchill and George Bernard Shaw

  Shaw sent Churchill two tickets to his next play with a note saying "..come and bring a friend - if you have one."
  Churchill replied: "Impossible to be present for the first performance. Will attend the second - if there is one."

• Abraham Lincoln:

  "'Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt."

• John F. Kennedy on Canadian Prime Minister John Diefenbaker:

  "I couldn't have called him an S.O.B. I didn't know that he was one, at the time"

• Fran Lebowitz:

  "The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made."

• Mark Twain (1835-1910):

  "A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain."

• Isaac Asimov:

  "The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny ..'"

• Albert Einstein:

  "Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."

• Shirley Temple Black:

  "I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."

• Margaret Thatcher:

  "I'm extraordinarily patient provided I get my own way in the end."

• Anon:

  "Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901."

• Woody Guthrie:

  "I ain't a communist necessarily, but I been in the red all my life."

• Anon:

  "Trust the computer industry to shorten "Year 2000" to Y2K. It was this kind of thinking that caused the problem in the first place."

• Anon:

  "On the side of the box, it said "Windows95 or better required", so I installed Linux."

• Dilbert:

  "I was at a stop light, behind a car with a bumper sticker that said
  "Honk if you love Jesus." I honked. The driver leaned out his window,
  flipped me the bird, and yelled "Can't you see the light is still red,
  you moron?"

• Mark Twain:

  "Golf is a good walk spoiled."

• Dr. Seuss:

  "And then, the true meaning of Christmas came through,
  And the Grinch found the strength of ten Grinches...plus two!"

• TFTD:

  "Elvis Presley would have been elgible for social security
  last Saturday (2000/01/08) if he had still been with us."

• TFTD:

  "I didn't say it was you're fault.
  I said I was going to blame you."

• Alfred Hitchcock:

  "I didn't say that all actors were cattle. What I said was that all actors should be treated like cattle."

• Anon:

  "How do I set a laser printer to stun?"

• Anon:

  "They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken."

• The Dilbert Newsletter (Scott Adams)

  "I'm not a rocket surgeon."
  "I want quality, not quantity; but lots of it."

• Martin Van Buren

  "It is easier to do a job right
  than to explain why you didn't."

• Anon

  "A Scotish Gentleman is someone who knows how to play the Bagpipes ... and doesn't"

• Anon

  "I live with fear everyday,
  but sometimes, she lets me go fishing."

• Herm Albright

  "A positive attitude will not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."

• Jules Feiffer

  "I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I wasn't poor, I was needy. Then they told me it was self-defeating to think of myself as needy. I was deprived. (Oh not deprived but rather underprivileged) Then they told me that underprivileged was overused. I was disadvantaged. I still don't have a dime. But I have a great vocabulary."

• Anon

  "The mark of a true Canadian is somone who can say:
  'It's warming up to -11."

• The GCFL

  "A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine."

• Dilbert (Scott Adams)

  "Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, & I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?"

• TFTD

  "A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?"

• Robert Orben

  "Smart is when you believe only half of what you hear.
  Brilliant is when you know which half to believe."

• S. Omar Baker

  "They say they climb mountains because they are
  there. I wonder if it would astound them to
  know that the very same reason is why the rest
  of us go around them."

• Rapala Commercial

  "Oh Lord (sigh),
  There he is,
  It feels like a big one,
  Please don't let me lose him,
  I've never caught one this big before,
  I'll try not to horse him,
  And if I land him, I promise to release him,
  And make a graphite replica,
  If my wife says it's ok,
  Thank you for the Rapalas,
  Amen"

• Foster Hewitt, Sept. 28, 1972

  "Henderson has scored for Canada!"

• The Lion

  "A dime is not entirely worthless; it makes a fairly good screwdriver when you need it."

• TFTD

  "Law of Communications:
  The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications between
  different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding."